Trenton and underwear

I noticed the other night while doing laundry that I almost never seem to wash Trenton’s underwear. I confronted Trenton about this in the living room and he said that of often times does not wear any or that he recycles. Our housemates were in the living room with us at the time and over heard me going off on Trenton. This led us to have a conversation about the leaking arse of the male body, and the reasons why wearing underwear is essential to proper clothing maintenance. This was a very entertaining conversation that I thought would be good fodder for a bit of a blog post. I am in-between projects at work right now, and writing is a great way to learn to write better, so here I am writing about underwear, butts, poo, and my child [1]. We came up with a number of key reasons for underwear that I will list in the following numbered list: 

  1. For the modern man who sits on his arse all day long a certain amount of sweat is generated in the anal crevice. Gravity and fluid pressures act on this sweaty mess and cause the fluids to flow outwards and downwards. As the sweaty mess moves it becomes captures in the first layer of fabric that it comes in contract with. For those of in countries with wealth who enjoy a level of hygiene that would mean our underwear; a garment that we change on a daily basis. For those in poorer nations, or my child, that would be the one pair of lower body covering that they are wearing; often times a pair of pants or shorts depending on the environment. The lower body covers can be worn for days, weeks, or months at time between washings; soaking up more and more sweat and leakage on a regular basis. This extended period of time between washings can make sniffing the backside of a pair of pants something that could render a person immobile in a near comatose state for days.
  2. The average human release flatulence 14 times a day [3] for the average male I would venture to state the a ¼ or more of those flatulence instances have more in them then simple noxious gas. We will call this anal leakage for the fun of this topic. This anal leakage mixes in the arse sweat making it an even more nasty fluid that you want to keep off your cloths and anything else someone else might see or smell. Popular culture likes to speak of the “Racing stripe” or the “skid mark” in the male underwear. This would come, in part, from the anal leakage combined with the sweat being soaked up by underwear. Not wearing underwear, like Trenton has in the past done, means that this “stuff” gets all over your cloths, and then through you cloths onto what ever you sitting on.
  3. Another brilliant gift of the first world is the massive variety of foods that we are able to eat on a regular basis. This variety in foods leads to a variety in the constancy of the excrement leaving the body via the anus. In America town, and numerous other first world nations, the evacuation of the excrement happens in a sitting position that guarantees that some excrement will come in contact with and stick to the anal crevice. The left over excrement in the crevice after the evacuation is cleaned with handfuls of dry paper. This dry paper is not capable of removing all of the excrement from the skin around the crevice or from the anal sphincter. Some constancies of excrement are simpler to clean then others due to there texture, liquidity, and what I like to call pastiness; making it harder or simpler to clean. Regardless of the consistency or the number of wipes something is left behind. What is left behind adds to the sweat and leakage ending up on the first layer fabric of that It comes in contact with, we hope to be underwear.
  4. I saved the best for the last point; the shitting of the pants. Almost everyone has done it at least one time in his or her lives. Those who have not, just wait. Those who have know how valuable it is to be able to take your underwear off, throw them away, and continue the day with out them. To protect against this alone is reason enough for me to want to wear underwear every day, and it’s why I keep an extra pair in my office, and in my car. You never know when someone might put Visine in your coffee, or when you might drink too much salt water causing the inner lining of your colon and intestines to leave your body in a hurried almost uncontrolled manor. It could happen to you at any time, you should always be prepared

We went over these points in great detail with Trenton and he had a good deal of contrastive feedback of his own. I think that we might have made some head way into convincing him to wear underwear on a more regular basis. I went out the next day and bought him 9 pairs of underwear that do not match mine so that we don’t get them confused in the wash. I change mine every day, I do not know if I trust that he does. No matter how warm and soapy the water is in the washing machine I don’t want to accidently wear a pair that have been wore multiple days or lost under the boys bed for who knows how long. And that my friends, is why the we think that you should wear underwear

[1] I am sure that Twisty and Barney will love this [2]
[2] And
[3] According to Dr OZ on the Oprah

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